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I'm an art student. I make paintings. A lot of times I can be awfully profane. I have a blue fish who may or may not be named after Syd Barrett, I don't remember.


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ahem...  
09:43pm 24/05/2009
 
 
Kell's Bells
I'm reading my 10th grade diary.

What

was

my

problem?
 
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Here's the thing  
06:18pm 14/05/2009
 
 
Kell's Bells
Here's the thing about me and my work ethic.

I actually have no work ethic.

I guess I could say that. I could also say that I do have a work ethic, but my work ethic fucking sucks.

Let me explain.

First off, I love to multitask. The more things I get done in a day, the better. Each goal is taken apart into miniature accomplishments, tasks that may seem insignificant but make me proud when taken care of.

It's because of these miniature goals that I set for myself that I feel like I am truly productive. These require me to run a lot of errands. Gotta go buy that bike lock. Gotta go buy that clear nose ring so I can go to the job interview looking presentable. I absolutely MUST go all the way to here or there because, wow, it may seem like a bit of a stretch but that's okay because I am a MOTIVATED individual who will get what she wants, god damn it!

Needless to say, sometimes, I take a lot of time to get these errands done. My errands are especially long when I am back at "home" in Richmond and must take the train and the bus and the bike everywhere I go because I'm too much of a city person to own or drive a car.

By the way, I love commuting. Do you know why I love commuting? Because it gives me a chance to sit back and tune out the world with my ipod for sometimes HOURS and just WAIT.

I guess you could say that I like waiting more than anything else in the world.

I have no motivation. These tasks are not steps to my goal. They are detours. They are excuses.

I stress myself out because it gives me the illusion of accomplishing something when, in reality, that something is closer than I would ever WANT it to be.

Because it's true. I don't want to accomplish anything. I like being a failure.
 
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(no subject)  
06:04pm 04/03/2009
 
 
Kell's Bells
School, stop raping me!

Temp agencies, please love me!
 
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hahahahahaha  
01:20pm 22/02/2009
 
 
Kell's Bells
hahahahaha
 
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My new theme song  
12:33pm 19/02/2009
 
 
Kell's Bells
You got a question? Please don't ask it
It puts the lotion in the basket
You say bigger's better but bigger's bigger
White boy dressed up like a figure

Drawn inside a toilet on the wall
The world is round, my square don't fit at all

They say those who can't just instruct others
And act like victims or jilted lovers
You can't lose it if you never had it
Disappear, man, do some magic

You want a reason? How's about because
You ain't a has-been if you never was

I sound like this...

Scared to say what is your passion
So slag it all, bitter's in fashion
Fear of failure's all you've started
The jury's in, verdict: retarded

I'm so tired, and I'm wired too
I'm a mess I guess
I'm turning on the screw
playing: turnin on the screw - queens of the stone age
 
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fucking poop  
11:57pm 29/12/2008
 
 
Kell's Bells
I've been sitting around all day, my boobs shrank, I'm getting fatter, I always knock things over and run into things, and I'm all pissy.

At this very, exact moment, I hate my life.

I miss Chicago, in fact maybe I should fly there early.
 
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My essay.  
08:09pm 06/11/2008
 
 
Kell's Bells
Kelly Monson
10-30-08
English

In the movie Brazil, directed by Terry Gilliam, a man named Sam Lowry is caught up in a surreal series of events in a dystopian world where terrorism is a mundane, everyday occurrence and society is controlled and networked by an endless flow of paperwork and documentation. In his dreams he is an angel rescuing a certain woman from a metaphorical city of intimidating, monolithic structures and hostile, mechanical beings. His apartment is infested with obligatory central heating ducts that don’t even work correctly.
The movie Repo Man, directed by Alex Cox, opens with an angry punk named Otto who lives a depressing life. He is fired from his job at a supermarket in which generic products stating “FOOD” and “BEER” on their generically blue labels are sold. His doped-out parents donated his entire college savings to a televangelist. Unexpectedly, Otto is swept into the magical world of auto repossession, which leads him to some awfully thrilling experiences involving drugs, violence and aliens.
These movies are apocalyptic in nature, which attributes to my fondness for both. Repo Man is apocalyptic because of the element of the unknown, the seemingly impossible, and the humorous trivialization of things such as death and drug-addled felons; Brazil is more obvious because it provides a setting that melodramatically falls apart as the story unfolds, and challenges the main character to survive. It’s this melodrama that intrigues me and stimulates me emotionally, in terms of what I’ve established my life philosophy to be. An important achievement of these movies, created by the absurd trivialization of normally serious instances, is that one is allowed to zoom out and look at the big picture, the director’s creation, for what it is: a beautiful, contained and presentable world, with all facets exposed. There’s an irresistibly dramatic element to the situations present in both of the aforementioned films, which seemingly have nothing in common, yet produce outrageously similar viewing experiences.
When I declare these movies “apocalyptic,” I mean it in a sense that, since the world is ending (metaphorically or literally), things must come together towards a common conclusion. Repo Man and Brazil present a world of characters and situations that, inexorably, all coincide with each other and become one massive universe. Because of this interconnection, the worlds of both are suddenly such small and comprehensible ones; it excites, mainly because the especially romanticized goal of “seeing the world” or “discovering truth” naturally fills us with a certain ecstasy. In this case, “discovering truth” or “seeing the world” is looking at perilous situations and finding them trivial. It makes one feel large.
What ends up replacing these trivialized issues are the menacing global crisis / alien invasion matters addressed in the films. Obviously this is all science fiction fantasy that could not normally be convincing in real life, but that’s exactly the point – these new things are so inconceivable, so much larger than us that they give us a rush. They give us energy. It is truly romantic and climactic in nature.
Douglas Adams, most popular for his novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, does this to a greater extreme. His dry, irrefutably British humor is complementary to his existential, deeply meaningful and philosophical view of his world. Adams combines a multitude of humorous, thought-provoking dimensions in which ridiculous characters experience ridiculous circumstances. Arthur Dent, whose house is being destroyed to make way for a bypass, soon realizes that his entire planet is being demolished for precisely the same reason. After watching his home planet disintegrate into nothingness, he floats aimlessly through space, until he is acquired by a spaceship that runs on improbability, on which resides his ex-girlfriend, who just so happens to be dating the two-headed president of a nearby galaxy. Incidentally, his ex-girlfriend’s pet mice actually turn out to be pan-dimensional beings.
I believe that a fundamental element to Adams’ humor is the ability to make realistically larger things seem small – a humor that is predominantly present in the aforementioned movies as well. The books Adams writes are unquestionably comical, but the element of seriousness balances it out, which creates a feeling of familiarity for something so foreign such as space/time travel. Perhaps it stimulates that part in us that wants to constantly strive for something new and challenging. The element of fear is certainly present, but there’s a reason why human beings pursue fear. We move on from the mundane commotion and graduate to the incredible. By encountering what we fear, we begin to understand.
Understanding the big picture is naturally calming. It lets us see how the intricate puzzle of our uncontrollable lives snaps together. What Adams, Gilliam and Cox all do is over-stimulate us with exciting information, cheeky gestures and motifs; they all give us something existential and powerful to turn over and over in our heads; they force us to vicariously experience the power in defying all sorts of terrifyingly ridiculous odds and being witness to the intertwining coincidences in the plot, which all turn out to be small, familiar pieces in our puzzle.
On a more personal level, there’s something about these stories that makes me feel the need to persevere and absorb experience like a sponge. Something makes me desire to infiltrate forbidden government records looking for answers, or hunt for a possessed Chevy Malibu across the States, all the while setting aside the things that no longer seem serious enough.
Something I was looking for when I decided to live in Chicago had a lot to do with finding a certain unity in chaos. To sum up my entire life as of this moment, I am one person living in a tall building in the middle of this churning turbine of a city, always busy with its familiar construction sounds and badly performed saxophone, and I am acquainted with it. The world is so small and so large simultaneously. There’s an undeniable expressionistic beauty to all this that is so difficult to explain. It’s not exactly flying through space searching for the meaning of life, but on an emotional level, it’s awfully close.
Fundamentally, Adams, Cox and Gilliam have all succeeded in providing this same unity amongst chaos. This is what is so exhilarating, and who knows why, but for some reason I hope to establish a common foundation in my life built upon the flimsiest material ever flung at me, but still architecturally very strong. This is my ideal life. It’s challenging, it’s mentally stimulating, it’s taxing and it’s the ultimate enlightenment. It’s enough to drive one to insanity.
In Brazil, Sam Lowry eventually makes it up the bureaucratic ladder in hopes of finding the woman of his dreams. Swiftly his life becomes more confusing as he sinks into an idealizing obsession. Amidst the claustrophobic workspaces, his commandeering mother (along with her ridiculous plastic surgery adventures) and his fatally malfunctioning air conditioning system, Lowry is drawn to the tempting light of lunacy. He eventually is revealed to the government to be meddling with archives and is strapped to a chair in an enormous torture chamber, left to go insane and dive into his own relentless daydreams, thus ending the movie. Sam Lowry’s life had approached its apocalypse.
Ending aside, Brazil is a very surreal, adventurous film. It’s most certainly depressing enough to not be everyone’s favorite, what with the character’s unfortunate mental plummet. The point is, though, despite the fact that our hero ended up failing miserably as a result of outside pressures, we already know what he had truly experienced, and how much, in fact, the film had allowed its character to stretch the boundaries of his world before enduring the consequences. There was a definable climax, lending proof that insanity is indeed catharsis. It is very similar in a way to the climactic (or anti-climactic) moment when Arthur Dent finally discovers the meaning of life. Hitchhiker’s Guide ends with the depressing notion that the meaning of life doesn’t make sense, but, unlike Brazil, it allows us to be led to another part of the story in order to, hopefully, make sense of it all once again. In Repo Man, Otto simply goes to Mars in a glowing green car. Sam Lowry, well, his passing is all the more miserable and yet still very similar. Ultimately the endings of all of these stories are insane on one level or another.
Insanity is not the prevalent topic. Insanity certainly has the same abstract quality, but ultimately one either goes insane from their experiences or they endure and grow. To absorb so much information at once can either lead to a universal love or stunted mental and emotional growth. It all comes down to whether or not one looks at life in exactly the right way.
This is what Adams, Cox and Gilliam have done right. They have displayed life objectively, explained through demonstration that life is indeed crazy and nonsensical, but at least we are all aware of it, and we accept life for its nonsensical qualities and often angering quirks. The amount of paperwork needed simply to live in a world that Brazil creates is astounding and maddening to the fullest extent, but presented in such a way that says, Yes. Our world is insane. We are all insane. But our awareness of it nullifies it and we are going to embrace it until we strangle it to death, and win our inner peace back.
Witnesses and characters alike are all passengers in this metaphorical glowing green car carrying us away from one ridiculous world to the next. These brilliant stories are all alike because of their ability to form unity and clarity amongst utter chaos. It clears our mind, it clears our spirit, and most importantly, it makes us feel whole. If that isn’t the meaning of life, then who knows or cares what it is?
This journal is about madness
 
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Dear Everyone  
04:23pm 04/11/2008
 
 
Kell's Bells
The. Rally. Is. Practically. In. My. Fucking. Backyard.

BARACK OBAMA IS GOING TO BE IN THE LOOP AT 11 PM.

FUCUCUFUC UFUJCKMF E
 
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(no subject)  
07:06pm 29/10/2008
 
 
Kell's Bells
I don't care what kind of person I am as long as I make good art.
 
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You know  
09:23am 18/09/2008
 
 
Kell's Bells
Citizen Kane may be overrated, but that doesn't mean it isn't a damn decent movie.

SAIC Wired is painfully simple.

The thing with me and writing is... sometimes things just simply flow, and then other times, when I try to force it for example, whatever I'm writing becomes pretentious and trite. It's hard to summon that little part of you that just wants to ramble smoothly along when you are so conscious of what you are writing...

Andrew shaved the back of my head yesterday, it was awesome.

I've got to get a head start on that huge mapping project. There goes all my money on tracing paper and stupid pens. Please.

Artists:

Emily Jacir
Stephanie Brooks
Charles Demuth
Luc Tuymans
Deb Sokolow
Sara Schnadt
Eric Fischl
Roberto Antonio Sebastian Matta Echaurren
Ashley Wood, always
This journal is about art, artists, citizen kane, map
 
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